You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
