Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
