Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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