This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
