Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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