dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
