Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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