I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My penis needs a shock collar
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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