i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
