My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
smell my finger.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
