all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
