My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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