I will die if light touches me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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