You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
