i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
