I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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