Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
