I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
