I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
