I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
