How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
