i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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