Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
