oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
