she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
