heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
