Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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