i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
