My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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