i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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