I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
