i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
