I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
