she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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