i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
