So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
