Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
