i wish peter jackson would direct porn
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
