Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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