Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
