I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
