if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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