I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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