for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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