i just google imaged poop.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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