Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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