I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
