Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
