If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
you never un-have a 4some
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
