your parents love me but you hate me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
