Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
