i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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