I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
